[It's a suggestion that has him blink, surprised, unsure if she was at all serious. It'd be a strange thing to decide for the rest of the house. But he does consider; it would be the easiest-for-him option, but--]
I doubt Vanitas would go along so easily with that, and nor would she. Besides--
[And this would be the real drawback.]
It would yet another point for you all to hold against me, which would be even more of a hassle.
Who says there's anything you need to do? I can't think of anything I would require nor ask of you.
[Crossing his arms tensely, it's a somewhat defensive position.]
And I don't think the world cares in the slightest for what either of us want. Else I never would have been brought here.
[He pauses, stares absently at a bare patch of wall. His voice carries a sigh in it.]
Perhaps it simply took this long to sink in. The harm that you've wrought- to myself, my people. It's an absurd thing to just accept of you, isn't it?
[Yet he didn't think he felt this way towards K'rihnn or Rose. Rose- sure, he'd only recently become on better terms with her at all, so he wasn't as close to her as to the others. But K'rihnn he knew- at least as well as Irhya and Mira. If he dwelled on it too closely, would he resent him as well?]
[Bile rises in her throat. She swallows it down to avoid turning things heated again.]
Do you believe that the other Warriors of Light would have chosen differently? Is the fundamental issue really that different with them?
[Perhaps that's one way to give him perspective; if he asks the others for their opinion, she's all but certain they'll deliver the same answer as Mira and Irhya did. The Warrior of Light would not forsake everything else they held dear for his sake, no matter what their form.]
Even if you wouldn't ask anything of me personally, I would still do what I can to help you from afar. You're not obligated to accept it, but I'll do it anyway. I still care about you even if you don't believe me when I say it.
[It's a response that gets his attention back on her with a deeper frown.]
I'm well aware you would all make the same choice. That you will always make the same choice. Perhaps you're fine with continuing to pretend that this should have no effect on us here--
[He takes a breath, trying to keep his own tone even, to not tense up too considerably.]
But that's not entirely your decision to make, is it?
[Staying calm. He could do this. Look at this effort, Irhya.]
Why do you think you should 'help' me? [A question followed by a half-disgusted sound, a brief flick of one hand.] I don't ask for the reason you probably assume of me. Practical assistance is one thing. Perhaps I might even accept that, reduced as I am. I may even return it. But you're not content with that, are you?
[A quick glance at him, then away. She barely budges.]
If you're insinuating I'm secretly hell-bent on changing your mind about what you've decided at this point where the others aren't, perish the thought. I can't change your mind. I can't change your suffering. I can't. I thought I could, but I can't.
[She doesn't sound irritated in spite of her wording, just tired. He's drained her of a lot emotionally already, between the former Bond and in general; she doesn't have much left to give.]
But I will still watch over you, and you won't change my mind about that, even if you tell me it's naught but trouble. I suppose working from the shadows is where I belong, in the end.
[Emet-Selch does however, sound irritated, fighting against a rising sense of hopelessness.]
Then I'm not the only one who's intractable. Your mind is as locked into your beliefs as mine is; you've already decided my heart without knowing it. Don't pretend otherwise.
[He stops himself, closes his eyes with a huff.]
So you'd spy on me from afar? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Being an Ascian, after all.
Perhaps we are not so different, then, if that's how you want to think of it.
[This time, she picks her head up and looks at him straight.]
If I'm wrong about your misery, then correct me. Tell me what will make you happiest so I can leave you to it, because it obviously isn't with any of us.
[It's a comment that would be easy to respond to with something sarcastic or petty, and the impulse was there. To say that he'd be happy without her interference, her care, her observation, that he wanted no part of it. To leave him alone, to his satisfactory solitude.
He's silent instead for a time, eyes finally opening again to stare across at her.]
...Nothing. Nothing will, you know that as well as I.
[There's a hesitation in his breath; any of this felt like a risk to admit to, to acknowledge.]
I've never known the feeling. You can't invoke something that doesn't exist. Any attempt merely frustrates the both of us, as you can see.
This is no attempt, Hades. But I also can't force you to try, either. I can only do these things and hope it all sinks in someday. You're frustrated because you don't want it... I'm frustrated because I do. But in the end, the weight of my will is negligible in this.
[In fact, it's pretty negligible as far as this entire world goes. He's pointed that out already, but at least she knows how to try and make the most of her time. Part of that had been looking forward to perhaps getting on better terms with him, and it had looked like she was making progress, but... maybe it was just never meant to be. Maybe she and Mira were always on the arse end of some huge joke the whole time, one no one but Vanitas seems to have really noticed.]
I'll leave the food on the counter. If you truly don't want any, I'll eat it myself and figure something else out.
I'm aware that this moment, currently is not an attempt.
[But it was still frustrating, and with a response like that- only had him question why he was even trying to be honest with her. Any suggestion at vulnerability was met with misunderstandings, or assumptions; it took effort to not shut down at her entirely.
But he knew it wasn't intentional. She'd approached him, even after that argument. She was trying- and he was trying to try, even if he wasn't getting it across.]
You can stop deciding things for me at any time now. What I want or do not. I actually had a conversation on happiness recently... on a lot of things. Just because I don't know the answer doesn't mean I'm not looking.
[That surprises her, enough to make her fold her ears back and blink.]
I... I wasn't aware. I apologize.
[He'd said that about getting along with the Warriors of Light, too, though, and it only seems to be getting worse by the day. But it may just be that his happiness, such as it is, is directly proportional to how small of a presence they are in it.]
Before that journey into memories, I would have said no. And I've had no issues with anyone apart from you two. Perhaps it took this long for it all to sink in. But whatever fleeting satisfaction that may exist for me here- I know not the shape of it. Nor whether I'll find it, if it even exists.
[Another frown, though it's directed more towards the wall than at her.]
Yet to be reminded that my only success may be in death... 'tis not the kindest thing, Irhya.
[And that's all they remind him of, evidently. A sharp twist of grief runs through her chest, and she says nothing more for a long time, only glancing back and forth towards the door, wondering if it's really better for her to leave him alone and keep a sad distance.]
[She wasn't happy; Emet-Selch didn't need a Bond to tell that much. It wasn't something that should even register, much less anything that should have him hesitate.
And yet....]
If I had any sense to me, I'd tell you no. Perhaps doing so would spare us both the grief of our inevitable future disagreements.
[A statement followed by a sigh, long and drawn out.]
--But I'm also stubborn and I don't yet despise you. And you, for whatever reason, took it upon yourself to approach me when you could have held your distance. It's not the most auspicious of rekindlings, I'll grant... but I don't think it impossible.
[Slowly, her ears return to their normal position, and she lets out a pent-up breath. She had considered keeping her distance, perhaps convincing herself he was too far gone to be helped, but the idea of having another talk with him to try and smooth things over was too tempting. Especially when things like this give her a glimmer of hope. For Mira, too.
He is trying, though their viewpoints have clashed on the matter. But trying is better than sitting there and enveloping himself in that comfortable pain.]
Inevitable, perhaps, but I would like to think we can have them and still be friends. In that case... I will try my best. Thank you.
[A pause as something else springs to mind.]
Oh, um... you don't have to worry about the feeding anymore, by the way. I'm doing what I can to expand my resources, especially so I don't have to rely solely on Mira. But I won't ask any more of you on that front if you don't want to give it anymore.
[His first thought is to affirm that he wasn't interested, and it was true enough that he didn't find the prospect entirely appealing. Things were still somewhat raw, would take time to settle in whatever shape they would settle in.
But he didn't believe Irhya would hurt him. And much like his original offer when she'd first turned- it was a show of willing, wasn't it? Some grasp towards normalcy, some small display of trust. Things wouldn't improve without things like this.]
--No, you may continue to consider myself a resource in that regard. Besides- [It's not quite light, he can't entirely manage that. But it's closer to a more natural tone.] with your continued efforts towards feeding me, the least I can do is return the offer.
[She looks dumbfounded for a considerable moment, then laughs faintly, despite herself.]
I'm surprised to hear you say that, but I won't complain. I'm trying to be more careful, since it sounds like one can really get messed up on too much Witch's blood, but I guess... I'll let you know.
[And it sounds like he may have changed his mind about her food offer, too. She's visibly brighter, returning to her usual humor as she takes a few steps towards him and bends coyly.]
Heh. Maybe you're not such a huge arse after all, old man.
Truly...? I would have assumed your condition would be most suited to receiving of witch blood.
[Considering that monster/witch Bonds were the recommended variety, surely a monster requiring blood would benefit most from a witch's? Perhaps it was a 'too much of a good thing' kind of problem....
The familiar playfulness, her comment, gets another eyeroll and a small huff. Not true irritation, but the usual show of it.]
And I could say much the same of yourself, Irhya.
[But it's true, he'd accept being fed now, with the mood being somewhat improved. It was hard to eat anything when he was that tense and uneasy.]
It is, but it's exactly that suitability that makes it addictive. It's almost too good for us. And I guess it can cause the vampire in question to do some unsavory things to obtain it in dire circumstances... A path I would rather not tread upon, lest I lose sight of the way back.
But I digress. I'm... glad we were able to come to an understanding.
[She puts a hand on the doorknob and opens it, bowing as a gesture for him to exit with her.]
Hm... it seems in general, a witch's blood is an appealing commodity to all monsters, and with your kind's particular requirements for nourishment, I can see that becoming a problem far more easily than for most.
[And he's willing enough to leave with her, following after to wherever she's presumably left whatever food she prepared for him. Though silent at first, there is something he decides to add.]
Irhya. Did you know [A rhetorical question; of course she wouldn't.] that when your soul was complete, that person- we would argue with some frequency.
[A small hum as he thinks back on it.]
Not to the same level, we didn't exactly have the same issues at stake, but... it was not without a certain amount of heat. Two people each very certain that our viewpoint was the correct one. We didn't always come to a compromise, but an understanding of one another's positions- yes. It was never very long before we were speaking again.
Perhaps we were never faced with anything of enough consequence for our understanding to be tested until, well... we never reconciled from the last. The sundering made sure of that.
[As he speaks, her ears perk to attention, and her face slowly softens, struck by the realization that he'd been through a similar situation. For a while, she stands slightly agape, unsure what to say.]
Ah... I'm sorry. I never knew...
[It wasn't her personally, but she's still inclined to extend the sympathy anyway. He's not conflating her with the person she (and the rest of them) used to be, at least not at the moment. And it's a step in the right direction for him to open up about it, not to mention making her feel a little better about her own personal demons.
Finally, she manages a smile.]
Constantly on and off, huh... If both of you always came around again, then I think that in itself is cause for hope. Perhaps there are some things that were not completely lost in the Sundering, after all?
[They weren't the same person. It wasn't as though making up with Irhya would fix anything from the past. Much as how Irhya could never get absolution from her mother. Those people were gone.
The past was dead, for all that he'd keep trying to revive it. A thought that has him sigh inwardly, offering Irhya a flicker of a smile.]
It's a possibility. You could say we both have some motivation, then... to not leave things on a note we'd regret.
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I doubt Vanitas would go along so easily with that, and nor would she. Besides--
[And this would be the real drawback.]
It would yet another point for you all to hold against me, which would be even more of a hassle.
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If I told Mira it's something nice we could do for ourselves, just for her and I, maybe I could convince her. But Vanitas...
[Vanitas would see the effort for exactly what it is. Her eyes close.]
What else can I do? I don't want any of this.
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[Crossing his arms tensely, it's a somewhat defensive position.]
And I don't think the world cares in the slightest for what either of us want. Else I never would have been brought here.
[He pauses, stares absently at a bare patch of wall. His voice carries a sigh in it.]
Perhaps it simply took this long to sink in. The harm that you've wrought- to myself, my people. It's an absurd thing to just accept of you, isn't it?
[Yet he didn't think he felt this way towards K'rihnn or Rose. Rose- sure, he'd only recently become on better terms with her at all, so he wasn't as close to her as to the others. But K'rihnn he knew- at least as well as Irhya and Mira. If he dwelled on it too closely, would he resent him as well?]
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Do you believe that the other Warriors of Light would have chosen differently? Is the fundamental issue really that different with them?
[Perhaps that's one way to give him perspective; if he asks the others for their opinion, she's all but certain they'll deliver the same answer as Mira and Irhya did. The Warrior of Light would not forsake everything else they held dear for his sake, no matter what their form.]
Even if you wouldn't ask anything of me personally, I would still do what I can to help you from afar. You're not obligated to accept it, but I'll do it anyway. I still care about you even if you don't believe me when I say it.
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I'm well aware you would all make the same choice. That you will always make the same choice. Perhaps you're fine with continuing to pretend that this should have no effect on us here--
[He takes a breath, trying to keep his own tone even, to not tense up too considerably.]
But that's not entirely your decision to make, is it?
[Staying calm. He could do this. Look at this effort, Irhya.]
Why do you think you should 'help' me? [A question followed by a half-disgusted sound, a brief flick of one hand.] I don't ask for the reason you probably assume of me. Practical assistance is one thing. Perhaps I might even accept that, reduced as I am. I may even return it. But you're not content with that, are you?
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If you're insinuating I'm secretly hell-bent on changing your mind about what you've decided at this point where the others aren't, perish the thought. I can't change your mind. I can't change your suffering. I can't. I thought I could, but I can't.
[She doesn't sound irritated in spite of her wording, just tired. He's drained her of a lot emotionally already, between the former Bond and in general; she doesn't have much left to give.]
But I will still watch over you, and you won't change my mind about that, even if you tell me it's naught but trouble. I suppose working from the shadows is where I belong, in the end.
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Then I'm not the only one who's intractable. Your mind is as locked into your beliefs as mine is; you've already decided my heart without knowing it. Don't pretend otherwise.
[He stops himself, closes his eyes with a huff.]
So you'd spy on me from afar? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Being an Ascian, after all.
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[This time, she picks her head up and looks at him straight.]
If I'm wrong about your misery, then correct me. Tell me what will make you happiest so I can leave you to it, because it obviously isn't with any of us.
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He's silent instead for a time, eyes finally opening again to stare across at her.]
...Nothing. Nothing will, you know that as well as I.
[There's a hesitation in his breath; any of this felt like a risk to admit to, to acknowledge.]
I've never known the feeling. You can't invoke something that doesn't exist. Any attempt merely frustrates the both of us, as you can see.
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[In fact, it's pretty negligible as far as this entire world goes. He's pointed that out already, but at least she knows how to try and make the most of her time. Part of that had been looking forward to perhaps getting on better terms with him, and it had looked like she was making progress, but... maybe it was just never meant to be. Maybe she and Mira were always on the arse end of some huge joke the whole time, one no one but Vanitas seems to have really noticed.]
I'll leave the food on the counter. If you truly don't want any, I'll eat it myself and figure something else out.
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[But it was still frustrating, and with a response like that- only had him question why he was even trying to be honest with her. Any suggestion at vulnerability was met with misunderstandings, or assumptions; it took effort to not shut down at her entirely.
But he knew it wasn't intentional. She'd approached him, even after that argument. She was trying- and he was trying to try, even if he wasn't getting it across.]
You can stop deciding things for me at any time now. What I want or do not. I actually had a conversation on happiness recently... on a lot of things. Just because I don't know the answer doesn't mean I'm not looking.
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[That surprises her, enough to make her fold her ears back and blink.]
I... I wasn't aware. I apologize.
[He'd said that about getting along with the Warriors of Light, too, though, and it only seems to be getting worse by the day. But it may just be that his happiness, such as it is, is directly proportional to how small of a presence they are in it.]
It's just the two of us that are the problem?
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Before that journey into memories, I would have said no. And I've had no issues with anyone apart from you two. Perhaps it took this long for it all to sink in. But whatever fleeting satisfaction that may exist for me here- I know not the shape of it. Nor whether I'll find it, if it even exists.
[Another frown, though it's directed more towards the wall than at her.]
Yet to be reminded that my only success may be in death... 'tis not the kindest thing, Irhya.
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[And that's all they remind him of, evidently. A sharp twist of grief runs through her chest, and she says nothing more for a long time, only glancing back and forth towards the door, wondering if it's really better for her to leave him alone and keep a sad distance.]
Have we no chance of reconciliation?
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And yet....]
If I had any sense to me, I'd tell you no. Perhaps doing so would spare us both the grief of our inevitable future disagreements.
[A statement followed by a sigh, long and drawn out.]
--But I'm also stubborn and I don't yet despise you. And you, for whatever reason, took it upon yourself to approach me when you could have held your distance. It's not the most auspicious of rekindlings, I'll grant... but I don't think it impossible.
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He is trying, though their viewpoints have clashed on the matter. But trying is better than sitting there and enveloping himself in that comfortable pain.]
Inevitable, perhaps, but I would like to think we can have them and still be friends. In that case... I will try my best. Thank you.
[A pause as something else springs to mind.]
Oh, um... you don't have to worry about the feeding anymore, by the way. I'm doing what I can to expand my resources, especially so I don't have to rely solely on Mira. But I won't ask any more of you on that front if you don't want to give it anymore.
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But he didn't believe Irhya would hurt him. And much like his original offer when she'd first turned- it was a show of willing, wasn't it? Some grasp towards normalcy, some small display of trust. Things wouldn't improve without things like this.]
--No, you may continue to consider myself a resource in that regard. Besides- [It's not quite light, he can't entirely manage that. But it's closer to a more natural tone.] with your continued efforts towards feeding me, the least I can do is return the offer.
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I'm surprised to hear you say that, but I won't complain. I'm trying to be more careful, since it sounds like one can really get messed up on too much Witch's blood, but I guess... I'll let you know.
[And it sounds like he may have changed his mind about her food offer, too. She's visibly brighter, returning to her usual humor as she takes a few steps towards him and bends coyly.]
Heh. Maybe you're not such a huge arse after all, old man.
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[Considering that monster/witch Bonds were the recommended variety, surely a monster requiring blood would benefit most from a witch's? Perhaps it was a 'too much of a good thing' kind of problem....
The familiar playfulness, her comment, gets another eyeroll and a small huff. Not true irritation, but the usual show of it.]
And I could say much the same of yourself, Irhya.
[But it's true, he'd accept being fed now, with the mood being somewhat improved. It was hard to eat anything when he was that tense and uneasy.]
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But I digress. I'm... glad we were able to come to an understanding.
[She puts a hand on the doorknob and opens it, bowing as a gesture for him to exit with her.]
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[And he's willing enough to leave with her, following after to wherever she's presumably left whatever food she prepared for him. Though silent at first, there is something he decides to add.]
Irhya. Did you know [A rhetorical question; of course she wouldn't.] that when your soul was complete, that person- we would argue with some frequency.
[A small hum as he thinks back on it.]
Not to the same level, we didn't exactly have the same issues at stake, but... it was not without a certain amount of heat. Two people each very certain that our viewpoint was the correct one. We didn't always come to a compromise, but an understanding of one another's positions- yes. It was never very long before we were speaking again.
Perhaps we were never faced with anything of enough consequence for our understanding to be tested until, well... we never reconciled from the last. The sundering made sure of that.
no subject
Ah... I'm sorry. I never knew...
[It wasn't her personally, but she's still inclined to extend the sympathy anyway. He's not conflating her with the person she (and the rest of them) used to be, at least not at the moment. And it's a step in the right direction for him to open up about it, not to mention making her feel a little better about her own personal demons.
Finally, she manages a smile.]
Constantly on and off, huh... If both of you always came around again, then I think that in itself is cause for hope. Perhaps there are some things that were not completely lost in the Sundering, after all?
no subject
The past was dead, for all that he'd keep trying to revive it. A thought that has him sigh inwardly, offering Irhya a flicker of a smile.]
It's a possibility. You could say we both have some motivation, then... to not leave things on a note we'd regret.